The Top 15 Changes in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart 


15.  "Thar she blows!" replaced by "White whale decloaking off the 
     starboard bow!  Red alert!" 

14.  After animal rights activists complain, producers change Ahab's 
     quest and send him to J.C. Penney's in search of the Great White Sale. 

13.  Captain Ahab spends time with Moby Dick, a large white mammal with no 
     hair.  Conspicuously absent is William Shatner, a large white mammal 
     with no hair. 

12.  Controversial scene in which Captain Ahab harpoons a drowning Leonardo 
     DiCaprio. 

11.  Captain Ahab is transported to the whale's belly to bring Jonah a nice 
     bowl of chicken soup. 

10.  "Sea -- the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the Star-Kist 
     Enterprise." 

 9.  In a cheesy display of product placement, Starbuck now brings the captain 
     coffee every morning. 

 8.  "Non-traditional casting" allows blue whale to play role of  Moby Dick. 

 7.  You just KNOW the unknown crewmen with the red tunics are going to fall 
     overboard before the first commercial. 

 6.  In response to pressure from Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson, name of the 
     whale has been changed to "Moby Richard." 

 5.  Two words: Blowhole Cam 

 4.  "Prime directive be damned!  I said, kill the whale that bit off my 
     friggin' leg!" 

 3.  A couple of phaser blasts over their heads and those Greenpeace wimps 
     scatter. 

 2.  Whale beamed aboard the ship in the first minute.  Rest of the movie sucks. 
  

 and the Number 1 Change in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart... 
  

 1.  Ahab also searching for Moby Dick's big brother, Moby Diggler. 
  

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] 
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Editor's Note, March, 25 1998:  Patrick Stewart is the actor who played 
Capt. Jean Luc Picard in the Star Trek: Next Generation series.  He just 
did a TV-movie version of "Moby Dick," in the role of  Captain Ahab.  
Moby Dick was this great big whale, you see...