Conspiracy!


WASHINGTON, D.C. (UPI) --  A terrified nation sat in stunned silence Friday as 
a special television news report revealed what one man had suspected for years:
Star Trek fans are controlling the country.  Calling a special White House press
conference, a white-faced Bill Clinton stated: ``I can't hide it anymore!  My
administration is being run by Trek-AAARRRGGGH!''.  At this point, a crazed Al 
Gore, wearing a loose-fitting Trek uniform and rubber clip-on Spock-ears, pulled
out a phaser and shot the president, who vanished into a thousand points of light.

The horrifying revelation was not altogether unexpected, however, as pressure was
being brought upon the administration by Jay Maynard, whose belief in a far-
reaching "Trekkie Conspiracy" was finally vindicated.

In an interview with PEOPLE magazine, Maynard explained how he came to the 
conclusion that the trekkies were up to no good.  "I was watching the Great 
Rec.Arts.SF-Lovers Re-Org of '97, and I noticed a large corps of militant trekkies
trying to destroy the vote!" 

The failure of that re-org led to the Great USENET Collapse of '99, which led to
an increased crime rate as flame-prone posters were forced to vent their rage by
holding up convenience stores.

"No one else saw the conspiracy.", said Maynard.  "Those trekkies were sneaky 
little devils!  But they were definitely trying to torpedo the vote.  Then it 
hit me!  Didn't trekkies succeed in getting the test Space Shuttle named Enter-
prise?  I figured they could be responsible for all kinds of things!"

Indeed they were.  In three years of investigation, Maynard discovered the 
following:
-- Trekkies sabotaged the Hubble Space Telescope, because they were afraid it 
   would prove that Vulcan didn't exist.
-- Trekkies got super-trekkie Dan Quayle appointed Vice President.  His glassy
   stare is a result of his watching five hours of Star Trek every night.
-- The Rodney King beating actually took place when King told the policemen 
   that William Shatner is bald.
-- San Francisco's 1989 Earthquake was caused by trekkies with secret devices, 
   in retaliation for the Navy's decision to move the nuclear vessel Enterprise
   out of San Francisco, site of the headquarters of the fictional Starfleet.

After the President's startling revelation, and subsequent demise, the FBI 
proceeded to round up the major conspirators, including Mike "Vidiot" Brown, who
had single-handedly brought the world computer communications network to its 
knees by repeatedly posting the PostScript version of his 5000-page magnum opus,
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Star Trek (and Quite a Lot of Stuff 
You Couldn't Care Less About, Too), and Tim Lynch, whose Star Trek reviews were
said to contain subliminal messages reading "Live Long, Propser, and Unquestion-
ingly Obey the Will of the High Trekkie Command".

In a related story, Paramount Pictures has announced that plans for Star Trek X:
Wheelchairs n' Phasers, have been put on indefinite hold.





Thanks to Ryan Mathews