Car Commercial (from FidoNet)
by Mark Holtz [11-06-92]
revised by Neil Fraser [11-12-94]


NARRATOR: Have you ever wandered into a car dealership, only to 
be mistreated by the sales people?

(Cute young lady walks into a car lot.)

LADY:  I wish to buy a car.

SALESBORG (walks up): You will buy this car. (points to econocube)

LADY:  But, I was hoping to look around.

SALESBORG:  Looking around is irrelevant.  Test drives are 
irrelevant.  You will buy this car.

LADY:  I would like to go elsewhere.  (tries to escape)

SALESBORG:  Going elsewhere is irrelevant.  You will buy this car.

LADY:  Can I make an offer on one with an air bag?

SALESBORG:  Your offer is irrelevant.  Air bags are irrelevant.  
You will be assimilated as a customer.

NARRATOR:  But not at Starfleet Motors.  Our sales staff is ready
to help with your purchase.

VULCAN SALES REP:  If you intend to use this vehicle in Alaska, it
would be most logical to get four wheel drive and a rear window 
defog, instead of a sunroof and air-conditioning.

SETTLER:  You know, son, you're right!

NARRATOR:  And our service department is second to none.

KLINGON SERVICE MANAGER:  And I want that part by yesterday.  And 
I mean yesterday.  (slams down phone, then says to customer in a 
nice tone) And, how may I help you?

CUSTOMER (human):  After I brought my car in for servicing, I 
noticed a small rattle.

KLINGON:  Taz-zek!  (Ferengi runs in)  Fix the rattle in his car.

FERENGI:  But, that wouldn't be profitable.

KLINGON:  Don't you know your own rules of acquisition?  Number 
fifty-seven: Good customers are as rare as latinum, treasure them.
SO FIX IT AND TAKE THE COST OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK!  (to customer)  
May I serve you a cup of freshly brewed gourmet coffee while the 
problem is being fixed?

NARRATOR:  So, why go to the competition?

(See lady in the first part of the commercial borgified and 
driving around in an econocube.)

NARRATOR:  Come to Starfleet Motors, where the customer is number
one.